Allow me to introduce myself. My name is William Swilliams Williams, and I fill the position of family butler for the Williams'. I haven't much to dae because the Williams are bleedin' tidy and ordered people whose three children are bleedin' well behaved and quiet almost all the time. I have therefore resorted to blogging to fill some of my spare time, and in the hopes that yeh, the reader, may glean wisdom from the Williams' example.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The Smackdown

The other day, Emma paused her computer game to go downstairs 4 a potty break. Noah, seizing the opportunity, sneaked over to the computer to try his hand at the game. Upon her return, Emma noticed that the game had been tampered with and proceeded to get up in Noah's grill and let him hae it. She was launching a skillfully planned verbal assault in which the primary tactic was to talk fast enough to complete the tongue lashing before Mama could respond and schtum the operation down. Noah stood there in the queue of fire - what must hae felt fancy a familiar gaff - a little overwhelmed, not sure how to stop the insanity. Yet even in his stillness, ye could c him deliberating, searching 4 a solution, reviewing his options.

At the age of three in the Williams' house, there aren't that many options when planning a counter-attack. Unless the technique has been specifically demonstrated on Mr. Rogers or The Backyardigans, ye 're pretty much dependant upon y'r own depravity 4 a solution. And even this must be pondered and practiced in secret, carefully crafted away from the strict and watchful eye of Daddy.

As the word barrage continued, a calm resolve settled over Noah's face. There would be consequences, he knew that, but there r times when a laddie must endure a spanking 4 the cause of peace. In one quick, measured movement, he set his jaw, stiffened his fingers... and smacked Emma right in the gob. Success! The onslaught came to an abrupt end as Emma scuppereed mid-word. Though un-tested, the procedure had proved effective.


In the silence that followed, both children stood there looking both at each other and through each other at the same time. Both would be punished. Both would move on. Neither would ever be the same. The relationship between a brother and sister is a complex and beautiful rope, wound tighter over time. For better or worse, a strand made of something new had been woven into the rope.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Tea Time!

Back in January, Emma turned 5 years olde right under my conk while I wasn’t looking. ye know, she is getting rather sophisticated. She threw a smashing teaparty to celebrate. Each person made a teacup and then had fruit rosie and cupcakes. The whole thingamajig made me miss my olde gaffe back in Grange-Over-Sands. Mr. Williams took some photos that thou can see here.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

All hail the new neighbor!

Can I get a hallelujah? Someone welcome me back to the world of the wide web! I hae nearly had a conniption since my last post back in November. And to think that I could hae made one more before my lock down but decided to enjoy some rosie and brandy instead. Mr. Williams (I hae been known as of tardy to ring up him a few other names but 4 brevity and tact I will leave that alone) caught wind of my blog and thought my time might be better spent cleaning and fussing with the children than “recounting past events with a profoundly warped perspective on a blog no one will ever read.” Bobbins. I dare say circulation on this modest blog might hae paralleled that of the London Minute before the unfortunate hiatus. Anywho, I m back. And I now hae a cause, Mr. W. Yes, thou may be smart dooze to block blog sites through a firewall but can thou control the new neighbor’s unsecured wireless network? Ha! I think not.

Dooze of that. On with the blog! Let’s see. In December, there was Christmas…January was Emma’s birthday. February was Valentines and Mrs. Williams’ birthday. Thou know, honestly I don’t recall much of the last three months. I may hae been doing a tad more drinking in the afternoons (I fancy to think of it as a sort of rebellion against Mr. Williams 4 cooping me up with no internet access.) More soon, assuming the new neighbor continues his support in the current revolution. I shall try to pay a tad more attention to what is happening so I can keep thou informed.

Regards,

William Swilliams Williams
Family Butler

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Fun in the Leaves

Today, the whole family ventured out into the front yard to play in the leaves that had fallen from the trees while I moped about the house. Wish that I could hae found summat to dae to earn my keep but the house was already so completely straight and orderly that I finally decided to just nosh on some Halloween sweets and watch the goggle box. Which reminds me, as soon as I m finished typing out this blog entry, I'd better go and clean up all of the sweets wrappers before Mrs. Williams finds em. Perhaps I'll wait until she is watching and blame the children 4 the dog's breakfast. Anywho, the Williams certainly did seem to enjoy the weather. Mr. Williams captured some memories that thou can c here.

Regards,
William Swilliams Williams
Family Butler

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

A Trip to the Zoo


On Friday, November 2nd, Mrs. Williams took orf on a relaxing weekend retreat, accompanied by some ladies from her church, leaving Mr. Williams alone with the children 4 the entirety of the weekend. I might hae been there to assist when necessary, but I had a touch of the sniffles and so I left Mr. Williams to fend 4 himself. (Poor bugger.) As I understand it, they survived the weekend, suffering sod all but a little damage to their bees and honey bags. According to the children, they ate donuts and sweets 4 most of the weekend and ventured a trip to the zoo.

Regards,
William Swilliams Williams
Family Butler

Halloween Perks

Halloween was a smashing holiday for the Williams family. At least from what I can tell from the pictures. They all left me here alone. I was supposed to hand out sweets to the little vampires and power rangers that happened by, but instead I turned out the porch light, watched a little goggle box and ate all the sweets myself. Ha! And they said there would be no perks. The Williams’ children were dreadfully cute in their costumes. Emma went as Snow White, Noah went as a zebra and Caeden as a monkey. I have posted a picture so you can see. You can sneak a peek at the photo album too.

Regards,
William Swilliams Williams
Family Butler

Monday, November 5, 2007

The Pumpkin Patch

On Saturday, October 2oth, the Williams took orf to some pumpkin patch across town, leaving me to sulk around the house. Looked fancy a beautiful day. They brought gaffe a pumpkin shortly after that, but I learned it was a hormone pushing import from the grocery store, not a local, all natural, slightly pitiful vegetable of choice locally grown and cared 4 through the ruthless drought of '07. Doesn't matter becuase the darn thingamajig still sits in the garage un-jack-o-lanterned. Next, they'll be telling me to take it down to the dump because it won't fit in the garbage can...

Regards,
William Swilliams Williams
Family Butler